July Birchbox Review: Not So Easy to Please

I'm very high-maintenance in my low-maintenance ways, it seems. I kinda want the world from my Birchbox. I should probably reset my expectations. Or stop my subscription and try another subscription. Or not have any subscriptions and resume my happy SlackerChic ways. It's taken forever (and the August Birchbox arrival- teaser at the end!) for me to get around to writing this "review." "Review" is in scare quotes b/c, well, if you asked me to list what I got off the top of my head, I would only remember 1 thing, and even then I haven't tried it.

Granted, I've been busy. So very busy. About the time this box showed up, we closed on a house, and we've been moving and/or settling. I couldn't even tell you where the box is right now. But the Birchbox page reminds me what I have.

See!

To which I am relieved that I'm not missing anything, apparently.

So without further ado, I present to you  

Birchbox, July: A Half-Assed, I-Have-Better-Things-To-Do, Review.

Alterna Bamboo UV+ Color Protection: I will revisit this product with a proper review once I resume putting color in my hair.

Birchbox Earbuds: The one thing I remembered but hadn't tried. OK, they're brightly colored earbuds. And, I'm a sucker for bright colors. And, I'm no audiophile. At a guess, I probably won't hear a difference between these buds and the factory-issued buds I have floating around. Hell, I don't know that I hear a difference between my factory-issued buds and the Skullcandy buds I paid real monies for (purchased so I would have in-ear buds with the foamy tips that I can buy in small so they FIT and STAY. not for maximum hearings of ALL THE SOUNDZ). If I get around to trying these and find there is a difference (price: $10, I doubt it), I will update accordingly.

Eyeko Skinny Liquid Eyeliner: I reeeeally wanted to be excited about this one. It's (A) a full-size product, not "sample" size and (B) eyeliner! Something I use! But alas, why eyeliner is ever made in anything other than waterproof is something I'll never understand. My eyelids shed product like nothing. So, while I have every intention of giving the eyeliner a fair trial, it has yet to happen. I have to be motivated to apply makeup ever, let alone on a day I'm not actually doing anything (lest I be caught out, looking like a sad raccoon, and no means to fix it). Me, put on makeup for no one? See also: the Slacker half of SlackerChic.

Harvey Prince Hello perfume: See also: my rants about perfume.

Supergoop! City Sunscreen Serum: OK, I also have every intention of trying this. It happened to show up a week or two after I finally (FINALLY!) found a sunscreen for my face that didn't turn it into a slick and didn't stink. Pardon my lack of enthusiasm for trying a new (more expensive) substitute after I found exactly what I'd been looking for.

Tea Forte minteas: I guess this one is technically full-size, too. Meh, mints. The flavor is a little weird. I'm not a tea person, but the mint & sweetness were pronounced enough that the tea flavor didn't put me off. 

So, that's a lot of reviewing for not reviewing anything. Go Me!

Stars? ummm.... 3 of 5? Technically this basically fit all the objective parameters they have from me (since I don't have a box to check in my profile that says NO FUCKING PERFUMES). But I can't really get excited about anything in this box, and part of that is the timing of it (a sunscreen in the June box had a better chance), but...I can't let all the bad be blamed on timing, either. I wouldn't have been impressed with Teamints no matter what day, or phase in my life, it was.

...August teaser: Another perfume!

Birchbox Review: June 2012

Alright, this box had a hit in it. The rest...meh.

What've we got here?

So, from worst to best:

Taylor Swift's Wonderstruck - I don't do perfume, but Birchbox does on a monthly basis. I took the tiniest whiff I could manage: It smells a little old-ladyish.

Comodynes Self-Tanning Intensive - I don't tan, either. PALE 4-EVA! But for the sake of research, I wiped a leg (I also wear pants in the dead of summer and can get away with tanning one leg). First, it said the tan would appear in 3 hours. Pfffft. Hardly. I applied at 7 pm, it was barely noticeable at 10 pm. It WAS noticeable, however, at 7 am. Second, The wipe is not an effective means to distribute a tanning substance onto the legs. Good morning, streaks. I took my time at it, meticulously working up and down my leg, but I still ended up with spots that were darker and spots that were lighter (legs had been freshly washed/exfoliated/moisturized). Color-wise, I felt it was borderline orange with the one application, but I concede that it might just be me unaccustomed to a "tan" look. That said, I'm quite positive it would turn orange if I tried to layer it & get darker.

10 p.m.

7 a.m.

in all its streaky glory

LUNA Bar - Standard energy bar fare. I had the chocolate & peppermint. It was good enough. I am now just as likely to pick up a LUNA as a I would another energy bar (which is to say: unlikely, unless desperate for food and suffering minimal options, this among them, upon which my final purchase choice will be based on a balance of price per quantity and flavor options).

Stila One Step Bronze - For one, this was not a sample size. It was FULL SIZE. I wish I could be happier about that, but...it was difficult to tell if I looked any bronzer with this stuff on (which is saying a lot about the product since I am pale). But even then, bronzing is (in case you didn't get it with the tanning wipes) not a goal/priority of mine. However, my skin did seem brighter. But, I was also oily by early afternoon. Not good for combo/oily skin types.

theBalm Stainiac (in Beauty Queen) - LOVED IT. Bought a full tube straight through Birchbox. This stain gave me everything I look for in a lip product: non-drying, staying power, light/sheer coverage. Did it stick around as long as other stains I've had in my life? Not quite. Did it make it through the day if I didn't eat foods that were super-saucy? YES. And it did that without completely drying out my lips like the other stains have. That is pretty much the most important thing right there: stays without drying. The bonus is that the color is sheer, so it looks relatively natural (to anyone who doesn't know my lips are naturally as pale as my skin). I hereby dub Stainiac SlackerChic. It totes allows me to wear makeup without it being obvious or high maintenance.

The lipstain purchase makes this an automatic 5-Star box, but I'm feeling pretty 2-3 stars about the rest of it. My rating system needs tweaked...

Of Note:

That John Varvatos cologne came in Mr. Burly's Birchbox Man box. 

(We have a lot of fun calling it a Man Box.)

There's a tiiiiny bit of overlap between the box's genderings. I WANT MORE GENDER OVERLAPS! MOAR I SAY! Quite frankly, I'm rather jealous of the (non shaving-cream & cologne) stuff he's received in his boxes.  You might one day read a post about those. He keeps saying he'll write reviews. One day I'm just going to sit down and write Birchbox Man reviews in the voice of Mrs. Hurly Impersonating Mr. Burly Impersonating a Product Reviewer. YOU HEAR THAT MR. BURLY?! 

Ahem...

Well now, that wraps up June Birchbox review. Yes, it is the latter half of July, which means my June review is rather late. So late, in fact, that I already have my July box. But that is another underwhelming review for another day.

TTFN loves.

Birchbox: First Impressions (not a specific box review)

I'm coming at Birchbox from a weird place.

I rarely use makeup. And I've finally figured out my skin 15 years after puberty, so I'm reluctant to change that regimen. And I'm picky about hair care products. And perfume gives me raging headaches. I care about my looks insofar as they don't make me get up any earlier than I absolutely have to. I'm slacker chic. Wash-n-go. Why do I need to complicate this?

Because I straddle this weird space in the world...

You know what, it's not me, it's a lot of us women.

We straddle this weird divide in the world. It's not terrible to put a better foot forward than the one that just stepped out of bed. But that also doesn't mean that we have to break our backs, bowing to the patriachy's demands that we put hours into our looks when they, well, don't. Fuck that noise.

I am Slacker. Chic.

I'll do some minimal work to look better, but if you think I'm going to take half an hour out of my sleep, or internet time, or dance & fitness classes, or craft time, or home maintenance time, you are sorely mistaken.

And my internet time is varied. I'm not going to spend it poring over beauty blogs & pinterest fashion boards. Not all of it, anyway.

And I'm straddling this weird divide where my undergraduate degree had an emphasis in marketing. And I saw those cynics, my brethren, and thought: Fuck, I don't want to be them (except that I kinda still am). So I stand astride this chasm where Facebook can't properly advertise to me because I don't give them enough information. All I do is "x" ads that pertain to weight loss and baby-making because Fuck. Facebook. if they think that because I am wimminz that I hate my body or I have a ticking biological clock. Because I don't and I don't.

But I don't want to waste my time seeking information that marketers could simply bring to me if I just let them.

Targeted marketing is a double-edged sword. I get it.

So I hear about Birchbox. And I go to Birchbox. And I tell them I have combo skin, and above all else I'd most likely splurge on hair product. That I'm 30, and my household income is $X. That I'm concerned about acne, and I like organic stuff....among a handful of other details. I like this marketing model. I don't care page ads in magazines. Those tell me nothing. And I despise - OK? DESPISE - the thought of paying full price (or even using a coupon and maybe paying slightly less than full price) for a full-size product that I. May. Just. Hate. (Really, that's the most likely outcome.) So - I tell someone what I'm looking for and they send me samples? Magical! Marvelous! YES!

I mean, these details + magical makeup algorithm I assume they have (but my first box indicates maybe they don't) / paying $10 a month and sitting on my butt until a box of wonder arrives each month = magical beauty routine makeover that makes me look better in even less time, right? RIGHT??

OK, maybe not so much. It's not like they have incentive to give me products I like, because I'd probably just take them & run. Unsubscribe. Be an unmarketed-to hermit again.

Step 1: Create problem
Step 2: Create solution
Step 3: Market the problem as the solution
Step 4: Market the solution as the solution
Step 5: Profit

So I fill out the profile, and I send in a suggestion. It seems a simple enough suggestion, really. And it's a suggestion that's REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME IF YOU WANT MY $10/MONTH.

So, here's my email:

PLEASE add a "no fragrances!" option. I'm highly sensitive to the chemicals used in almost all perfumes to prolong their staying power. I'm excited to be trying Birchbox, but I'm really hoping I'm not paying for a monthly subscription to headaches followed by re-gifting product to all my friends. If it is at all feasible to add this tweak to the profile as you grow/ expand, I really hope you'll consider it.

Thanks for taking a minute to read/consider,

Mox

Here's their reply:

Hi Mox,

Thank you for writing in and I apologize for the delay in response! At this time we are unfortunately unable to omit certain product skus. We hope to be able to do this in the near future, however, at this time it is not possible for us to do so. We understand if this makes it difficult for you to continue with us, however, we hope that you pass along the occasional trouble product along to some lucky friends!

Please let me know if I can help with anything else and have a great day!

XO, 

-Her name here

Tone deafness where I say "I'm selfish and want this all to myself and therefore do not want to pass things on to friends" and she replies with "maybe you can pass things on to friends, lololol" aside...

Magical Algorithm Fail:
I mean, what good was it for me to fill out a profile if it isn't actually programmed to exclude SKUs based on preferences? I mean, I could totally just click a box that says "By clicking this box I understand that I'm going to get a completely random assortment each month that has nothing to do with any preferences I might have." I would maybe still pay $10/month after that.

But really? Chemical sensitivity?! More than having the option of telling you I get my beauty info from blogs or I'm interested in Birchbox b/c I'm too freakin' lazy to take my butt to a store. More than having the option to say: I like "trendy" things. More than having the option to say: My hair is "color-treated."  More than telling you my skin is "combination." Of all the preferences you need to know, I'd think chemical sensitivity should be pretty high on that list. You know why? 

Because This:

Because of all the May Birchboxes that went out, there could've been any combination of 52 items.

OK, that's a strech. 

Because This: 

Because there's 4 items, right there at the top, that are not perfume and met my other preferences. Because there's 31 more options below those four that meet the following criteria:

1: Not Perfume
2: Not duplicating another item I received this month (in general, i.e. no second nail polish of the 2 or 3 other nail polish offerings they had).

Admittedly, Birchbox has a LOT of perfume to shill, judging by the product pages. 

Oh, and Because This:

PERFUMES GIVE ME RAGING HEADACHES.

Digression: I worked in a theatre (like, live plays theatre). Sundays were Fantastic, let me tell you. When the old ladies put on their Sunday finest for God, not only in their polyester JCPenney 2 piece suits & pearls, but their Elizabeth Taylor White Diamonds, as well. We musn't offend God's eyes OR olfactory senses. So, they go through their day, church, post-church lunch, then finally their matinee. And it still reeked by the time they got to the theatre. OK? STINK TO HIGH HEAVEN. And I had to accommodate them, holding my breath (futile). Then work the rest of my shift with a headache, then go home and have a headache until, oh, the next day or so. 

Don't get me wrong, a person needn't bathe in perfume to trigger a headache. No, no, no. Sundays were just the worst of it. Most perfumes, even in low doses, set it off. Go to the mall and walk by a Bath & Bodyworks? Nope. Department store makeup counters? Nope. Just don't go near them. Shoot, someone can just pass yards from me on the street and if their perfume is more emulsifier/binder/colorant than scent then HEADACHE. 

Maybe you'll understand why I'd prefer a perfume-free box of samples through the mail right about now...

So, I'm giving Birchbox at least 3 months. But I'm not happy with the first box. I'm giving it 2 of 5 stars. The rankings are thus:

1 star: absolutely nothing I enjoyed (and thus would not consider purchasing)

2 stars: Some products are OK, some not, and I'm unlikely to purchase any of them

3 stars: Like some products, the rest are OK (nothing, or at most 1 item, unenjoyable), might consider purchasing a product on impulse at a store (not through Birchbox)

4 stars: Strong like of some products, rest are OK, will strongly consider purchase through either store or Birchbox

5 stars: Love of a product, definite purchase straight through Birchbox.

OK...I kinda feel like I just went off the deep end. But that's it. It makes no sense for me to be a Birchbox subscriber. So I've subscribed. Because that's how I roll.

My First Birchbox: May 2012, Gossip Girl Edition

So, I signed up for Birchbox* and received my first box on May 10, 2012. Here's my review of the items:

First, What I Got:

In the Birchbox reviews I've seen online, there tends to be lots of oohs & aahs over the packaging. Well, you're dealing with a cynic here* so my review of this packaging is: Yes, it looked good. They keep it simple and bright, and fun. It's a little like Christmas with the layers of tissue paper to work through, which obvs feeds into the excitement that one is splurging a little with a monthly gift of beauty goods. So that's cool & all. I'm a pragmatist, it could be shipped without the special wrapping if it got me another sample.

So it was themed: Gossip Girl. Is the theme a new thing for them? I haven't spotted any references to themes in previous months. ANYway, Gossip Girl. I've never seen a second of this show. BTDubs, I don't have cable TV, just cable internet. And I barely "do" makeup as it is* I'm totally Birchbox's target market, amirite?

So there was this theme, as much as anyone could have a theme when handing out samples of beauty products from any beauty product retailer that will give them to you. (I give Birchbox too little credit, probably. Somebody is obviously working ahead on coordination of such cross-promotional efforts. See? Cynic*)

Onto the products!

Arquiste L'Etrog parfum: Main notes are Headache, with an ethereal undertone of Nosebleed. Finishes with fruity notes and bronchial swelling. Sidenote: everytime I see the parfum name, I read "Le Frog." In all seriousness, the parfumerie's description of its product is: "Warm notes of citron, palm leaves, and myrtle combine in this transporting scent, inspired by the aromas of a medieval harvest festival in Calabria, Italy." Sure, that sounds about right. But the thing is, I have major perfume sensitivity. In fact, as soon as I made my Birchbox profile and saw there wasn't a "no perfume" option, I emailed them that suggestion.* Chances are they're never going to send me a perfume that doesn't give me a headache, because high-end perfumes are always full of emulsifiers, bonders, and colorants. You know what parfumerie doesn't use that shit? Demeter. I. Love. Demeter. And you know what else? Because they don't load up on that migraine-inducing crap, their perfume rarely lasts more than 2 hours (on me, at least). Which is perfect for me. But they're not likely to ever be a sample for Birchbox. But I digress...(Dear Demeter: SAMPLE-IZE FOR BIRCHBOX, PLEASE. Dear Birchbox: COURT DEMETER FOR SAMPLES, PLEASE).

Color Club nail polish in Disco Nap from their Foil collection: I'm really pleased with this. It is a good one-coat nail polish. In fact, I like it enough that I almost got over the fact it is gold (not a preferred color of mine). I thought I'd wear it again, but changed my mind to give it to a friend. I'll look at picking up a CC Foil in another color. It's a nice metallic with a subtle shimmer. If this were in silver, or a gun-metal grey, I could maybe even use half of a bottle (as I rarely paint my nails, I never see the bottom of a bottle. ever.). First chipping: approx. 27 hours after painting, pretty average for me (I've had worse, I've had better). Removes easily (i.e. no obnoxious glitter bits that won't come off).

Notecard: It's a notecard. It's designed well enough, and I'll use it (since I use every scrap of paper that crosses my path, ever). But, it's a notecard, and as far as stationery goes, I wouldn't buy this design as, like, a personal signature piece or anything.

Twistband: Annnnd, it's a headband. It holds my hair back as well as any other headband I've encountered, which is to say: If I wear it to ballet and start to do a series of fast turns, it will fly out of my hair. It is designed to avoid the headband headache, and it does do that. I'm not a fashion headband wearer, they are purely practical for me (well, I own fashion headbands, but I can never get them to look right). As I have a house to paint in a couple of months, this will do the job nicely keeping hair off my face.

beautyblender cleanser: Dirty little secret: I never washed brushes before this. However, I never did my foundation with a brush before this either (eyes, though, ewww. I know! I know!). So I used more brushes than normal this weekend, and washed them all with beautyblender cleanser, and am pleased with the product. It smells a little...vegetative, being soy-based and all, but I watched excess product buildup foam out of the bristles and wash down the drain, and the brushes are now clean and soft. 

Dr. Jart + Waterfuse BB Cream: GAH. OK. I'm in love with the concept of the BB cream, having now been introduced to it (in short: four-in-one moisturizer, serum, sunscreen, skin tint/blemish cover). Dr. Jart definitely evened out my skin and brightened my complexion. BUT this shit is for the driest of skins. I have combination skin, but can make it until 5 or 6 before I shine. With Dr. Jart, I was shining by 11 a.m., and positively lacquerous (new word!) by 2 p.m. It was RIDICULOUS. So...I'm hoping to get a new BB Cream sample, better formulated for combo or oily skin, in a future Birchbox.

So, that was my Birchbox for the month of May. I'll say this is... 2 out of 5, stars. I'm giving Birchbox at least 3 months until I evaluate the continuation of the subscription.

*for my general thoughts on Birchbox, the company, the concept, and why the hell I'm participating (spoiler alert: I don't know), and how that informs my voice/presentation of these box reviews, and how I rank them, see post: Birchbox: First Impressions